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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26980774">"I guess, I wouldn't know"</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bipey1Berry/pseuds/Bipey1Berry'>Bipey1Berry</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Childhood Trauma, Nightmares, One Shot, find the meaning of "Like" and "Love", kind of a</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:09:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,432</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26980774</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bipey1Berry/pseuds/Bipey1Berry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua hasn't really been okay his entire life- he doesn't even know what it's like to feel okay. </p><p>He doesn't know a lot of things...</p><p>(A bit of a Killua character study up in the air *without any set arc/time period*)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>"I guess, I wouldn't know"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! It's Bippy~ While working on "Malaise Airs" I had the sudden urge to write about one of my favorite characters. This came from a small idea of Killua having to face his past in the form of illusions- that others could see. (Might've been a crossover) I wrote this in about 2 hours so please go easy on me if you see any mistakes. Enjoy suffering boy hours- For some reason I love to suffer by reading and writing sad things that I know will hurt me. Oh, woe.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Killua never really had a good concept of love; His mother told him she loved him. He didn’t think that was love. His brother told him he loved him- a lot. “This is why I love you.” His brother used to say while carrying Killua in his arms when they were younger. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He used to think that was love- not anymore. His father never directly said it, not that they spent that much time together anyways. “You will be an amazing Zoldyck when you grow up.” or “Good job- I’m proud of you” The scarce compliments he received from his father filled his heart, enough to make him forget about everything more he wanted- everything away from the family.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When his father told him “I’m proud of you” that day. “Never betray your friends.” He felt ecstatic. His father understood- he might’ve felt love that very moment- not that he would be able to tell.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With Leorio and Kurapika and Gon- he thought he loved them- he really, </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> wanted to. He wanted to smile and hug them and say he loved them and liked him and everything in between. Gon always said “I like you a lot Killua! You’re my best friend!” He felt happy. But he never really knew what all those sweet words meant. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If you go by the definition- he could say he used to love a lot of people. Sometimes he even loves Illumi- he was scared of that thought. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes he missed when he was younger and Illumi shared those rare smiles only with him, and he would smile back- and everything would be okay. There was still training- and mom was still incredibly annoying. But he thought that if someone liked him- “Loved” him, everything would be ok.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A couple of hours after his friends picked him up from his house- after the hunter exam. Before they all parted ways. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kurapika tried to talk to him. “What happened there?” “What do you mean?” “You're all beat up- And we did meet your mom and little brother.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I ran away so I got punished- and don’t mind them, they’re basically harmless.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span> “Are you happy you left?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, I hate it there. Why’d you think I left in the first place?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do they hurt you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He paused. He shouldn’t have paused- he was trained better than that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really...It’s all a part of the business.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay not to be okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if...Hurry up, Gon’s calling us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Killua…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just drop it, hm?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kurapika always tries to talk to him like that. He’s not a good liar in front of Kurapika- they can both speak the same language. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They also had another interrogation session when they met up again in York-New. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look tired...” Killua said to the air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look happy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can hope.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have nightmares?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I asked you first-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why’re you asking?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look like the type to have nightmares.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not really sure if that’s an insult.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were having a picnic- Gon and Leorio fell asleep. Killua shifted unto his stomach.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do sometimes...About what happened to my clan.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Killua looked up. Kurapika almost never shared anything personal. He was probably expected to do the same.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your turn” He continued.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Killua stared at him. Another pause- silence. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> shouldn’t have paused, he should have just lied and said no right off the bat- now he was going to lie and make Kurapika feel bad. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh, not really”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hated not being able to lie to Kurapika, they spoke the same language. Lying came easy to them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you ok?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You keep asking me that”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I never found out the answer.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Killua looked away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What if...You were born not okay? And you grew up not okay, and now you don’t really even know what okay feels like- what does that make you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Human.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t feel human.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That's okay too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As long as you feel something, anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you feel anymore- after everything?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would like to think I do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That's okay too, I guess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kurapika smiled at him. Kurapika always makes him feel better, he never digs, it’s like he's not even talking to him. He thinks he likes Kurapika.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leorio is the opposite. He always digs- he thinks talking will help.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On a particularly bad night, Leorio just had to check up on him. He reminds Killua of a dad you see on all of those family-style late-night-couch shows. If he grew a few gray hairs he really could be Gon’s dad, Gon might like that idea. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Killua doesn’t think Silva is a bad father- but he’s not a good one either. He respects him, but he doesn’t really know how to deal with children. Maybe that's why he turned out like this- maybe that's why Illumi turned out so bad.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leorio shook him awake. He flinched, he kept making mistakes. Now Leorio knows something is wrong, he’s stupidly smart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey! Killua! What happened?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing. Sorry. Just a bad dream.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That looked like more than a bad dream. You were shaking- you never shake.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like I said. Just a bad dream. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What was it about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing, I forgot it already.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like hell you did, just tell me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Killua…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop pestering me! You're not my mom!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I don't think your parents would care a lot about nightmares! And I know damn-well I care a lot more about you!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Killua was shocked. Leorio had never talked to Killua like that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Silence persisted for a while. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry.” Leorio whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh. Yea. No. It’s um, fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just...know I’m here if you ever wanna talk. I meant it when I said I cared about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. It really was nothing big- I already forgot.” He tried a small smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leorio gave him a skeptical glance then turned to leave. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I care about you’ That was another sentience Killua never really understood, it seemed so foreign, like a sentence you would only ever hear in spicy rom-coms on T.V. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There were a lot of things his friends would say that would make him confused- or think that they were secretly filming a coming-of-age movie about him. It felt nice to hear them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If someone were to ask, he would say he liked Leorio too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Gon- Killua hadn't yet decided whether to be happy or sad that Gon never asked. He liked that he never saw the pity or worry that he saw in Kurapika or Leorio's eyes. But, sometimes he would wake up from a nightmare and stare at gon next to him and wish he could tell him everything. That he was scared- he’s always been scared. That he felt sick- he wanted to throw up. That he wanted a hug and that he wanted to cry- he also didn’t want anyone to touch him because he’s scared of what he might do, and that even if he willed himself to cry he might never stop.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I like you Killua! You're my best friend!” The happiness he felt whenever Gon spoke to him like that was enough to block out every other terrible thing he was feeling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Gon was the sun.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you going to do when you meet your father?” He had asked one time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll introduce him to my best friend Killua of course!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Gon was so warm and kind.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was a shame Gon chose someone like Killua to be his best friend. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t stop thinking that. Even after Gon reassured him he wouldn’t want anyone else to be his best friend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He definitely liked Gon. He liked Gon more than anything in the world- He liked Gon so much more than himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Gon was his light. Gon was really everything to him now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked over at Gon laying beside him on the grass.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Gon?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What does it mean to like someone?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uhm...hmmm…ughhaaaa!” Gon had a complicated look on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hah! Don’t make your brain overheat!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can't explain it! I like Aunt Mito, and Leorio, and Kurapika, And you! What do </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> think it means?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he smiled. Because Gon was here; And for once in his life, he got the feeling that everything would be okay- Even if he didn’t know what “Like” or “Love” meant, even if the world came crashing down in a few minutes- Even if he didn’t know what it was really, </span>
  <em>
    <span>truly </span>
  </em>
  <span>like to feel okay.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess I wouldn’t know.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>You must know I was reaaaalllyyyy thinking of writing a sad ending to this story. Sad endings appeal to me but I can't handle them- they aren't cliche and just rip your soul apart. That aside has anyone read "The Fever King" by Victoria Lee? It's one of my favorite reads right now- It got me out of the reading slump I was having for a while.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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